Frood for Thought
Twenty one years ago to this day I became a Mom for the first time. Our son Ryan Frood Hawke was born prematurely at 29 weeks. He has forever changed my life. Today he is my greatest mentor and guide. His life of five weeks was short and yet powerful in many ways. His life and death caused a major shift in my life that woke me up to my calling and the work I do today. I am abundantly thankful for the imprint that Ryan has left on me.
I’ve been noticing a trend lately with a lot of my clients; especially those assuming new levels of responsibility or wanting to shift to working at a more strategic level. They have a really, REALLY hard time delegating. This is clearly a leader’s edge. As I’ve worked with them I’ve noticed a few common themes and beliefs that are barriers to delegation.
Clarity of vision and values provide a powerful force to living a life of intention and fulfillment. Success is easier to achieve when you can move towards your preferred life and future with focus. It’s easier to know what to say YES to. However, another important advantage of clarity and yet rarely talked about is the ability to get really strategic about when to say NO.
Recently I worked with a client who shared that life was great. He is maximizing his strengths, he’s living in alignment with his values, he’s passionate about his work, loves his colleagues and the stimulating work environment he’s blessed to be part of. Yes, he’s working hard and long hours but it’s gratifying on so many levels. So, he pondered why engage in coaching when everything is good. Such a great question.
Half the challenge of communication is that it's not clear what people want or need from a conversation. Part of communication clarity is being able to ask for what you need. How often have you experienced someone venting to you about a challenge? Don’t you find that your natural instinct is to jump in and try and fix their problem? That’s not always what they need. Sometimes it’s the simple act of listening is all that's needed.
I haven’t met a person yet who doesn't love to receive acknowledgement, thanks or appreciation. So if that is true, why is it so difficult to do? How often do you quietly, internally think positive thoughts about a colleague, friend or family member and yet hesitate saying something. My hunch is a lot. We humans are masters of assumptions. We assume that those we value the most intuitively know that we think highly of them and appreciate their efforts. Because of the work that I do as a coach, I have come to realize that the art of appreciation is a huge skill to cultivate in leaders.
Today is an official snow day; the second in a row. As I peer outside, our world has transformed to a fluffy white winter wonderland of over 40 cm of snow. The official institutions of the world – schools, universities, city services – have declared themselves closed. So, our world is slowing down. We are staying close to home. We are having moments of stillness. Not by choice and yet it’s a delectable indulgence.
It’s official. Our daughter has moved away to start University. In one day our family system shifted from four to three -- at least those of us living at home. It’s making me think on a very personal level about system theory and patterns that we witness in teams experiencing change. System theory says that every time someone leaves or joins a system (family, team or group) that the organic nature of the system changes.
Assumptions damage relationships and communication. When coaching teams and facilitating formal and information partnerships, we see that assumptions are often underneath most conflict situations. The quietly held internal beliefs that we hold about people, situations and intentions block opportunities for connecting and learning from each other.
Our vulnerability is the source of our greatest power. It’s also the access point for your life purpose. Bold statements I know. In fact, I know many will not agree. And that’s fine. I’ll offer a perspective from the greatest teacher - life. If nothing else, I hope that it might provoke new thoughts and new awareness. Vulnerability is being exposed. Vulnerability is not knowing. Vulnerability is scary. Most people do anything to mask vulnerability. Sometimes though, life creates circumstances beyond our control. No matter what, you simply cannot pretend that everything is "OK".
GET REAL -- In life. In leadership. In relationships. What does GET REAL mean to you? For every person reading this GET REAL means something vastly different. That’s the beauty of our humanity. That’s why it’s also important to not make assumptions, on this or any other topic. GET REAL came to me as a button. Over the years, I’ve often worn provoking button messages on my jacket lapel.
A dominant complaint in team dynamics is silo thinking. Leaders want their teams to work collaboratively and call us in to “Bust Silo’s”. However, busting silo’s can feel harsh and aggressive. The desire to break down silos is usually to inspire more collaboration, efficiency, sharing of strengths and talent while achieving the global goals and mission of the organization. It’s human nature to defend what we care about. If there is any threat to our primary identity, we fight to protect it. So, if a team development session is billed as a “Busting Silo’s” event you can gaurantee that people will show up prepared to defend their territory. So what is a different way of achieving collaboration other than Busting Silo’s? In our work we refer to it as Building Bridges.
In North America, we live in a culture that promotes independence and self confidence. These attributes above all else, are seen as indicators of success. In promoting this, we are marginalizing the voice of “I don’t know”. Instead, people are praised for putting on a brave face that they’ve got everything together…they know the answers. And if they don’t, they will figure it out. What I am describing above is becoming one of the hot topics for the clients that we coach. These leaders are often feeling they must carry the burden of solutions on their shoulders alone. They believe it is not safe to reveal what they don’t know, nor is it safe to ask for help…or so they think.
In our work, we coach individual leaders and teams. Regardless of what the focus of the coaching, all roads eventually lead to trust. And so, this has become a signature of the work we do with our clients. Definition: “...trust is a pragmatic, tangible, actionable asset that you can create much faster than you probably think possible. Simply put, trust means confidence...When you trust people you have confidence in them – in their integrity and in their abilities.” Bottom-line – trust is an asset that can be developed when we are intentional about it.
In order to hold the big picture and vision and stay grounded as a leader, it is vital to intentionally nurture yourself. Here are some tips we use when working with leaders.
1. Create a monthly or weekly practice for connecting with your vision and purpose.
2. Create a vision story for your life or business.
3. Ask for help.
4. If stuck, change perspective
