It’s official. Our daughter has moved away to start University. In one day our family system shifted from four to three — at least those of us living at home. It’s making me think on a very personal level about system theory and patterns that we witness in teams experiencing change.

System theory says that every time someone leaves or joins a system (family, team or group) that the organic nature of the system changes. There is an automatic adjustment and recalibration. Often times the changes happen at an unconscious level. If the system needs certain roles or relies on certain skills, inevitably those remaining on the team will step into unoccupied roles. This assures the continuity of the system (functional and emotional).

In families, just like in teams, each person plays a formal role. In this case our daughter is the oldest child. As the oldest child, she has played certain roles in all of our lives. She’s been the responsible one assuring that tasks get done on time and according to plan. She’s also the tradition holder assuring that holidays unfold with certain reliable ceremony. She values relationships and always spent time with each of us individually.

In our family system we have two nested systems – two parents and two kids. As parents, we are still parents of two yet the way we’ll interact with them has now changed. It’s like we have become a virtual team as one of our members will only be connected virtually through Skype, text, FB and phone calls. The home team of three will shift and change. We’ll create new patterns and routines that will work for our dynamic.

When family systems change, just like with teams, it’s important to talk about the obvious changes – the ones you can anticipate. When one member is gone and their strengths and skills leave with them, it’s important to plan for how you’ll mange the changes. Speaking about the changes is important so that there are no assumptions. In our case we had a gender balance – two males and two females. Now, I’m the only female. Who knows what that means for our family dynamic. Who will watch the reality dance shows with me?

It’s also important to pay attention to the subtle signals that will emerge; the things that people are experiencing and not talking about. Our son is already demonstrating more of a need to be close to us and hug us. As Mom I know he’s giving us the hugs that were reserved for his sister. It seems that by being the “only child” he’s already taking the opportunity to be seen and heard more as he often followed his sisters’ lead. This phenomenon is common on teams where people will quietly assume new informal roles held by a former colleague. If the system needs nurturing then others will start to demonstrate it in new ways. That’s exactly what our little system is already doing.

It’s a fascinating time. There are lots of adjustments ahead. However, I hold a sense of confidence in knowing that we’ll calibrate to find a new balance and still be connected with each other – just in new and different ways.

Assumptions damage relationships and communication. When coaching teams and facilitating formal and information partnerships, we see that assumptions are often underneath most conflict situations.

“A self-fulfilling prophecy is an assumption or prediction that, purely as a result of having been made, causes the expected or predicted event to occur and thus confirms its own ‘accuracy.’ Paul Watzlawick

The quietly held internal beliefs that we hold about people, situations and intentions block opportunities for connecting and learning from each other. Assumptions limit our ability to access new and different perspectives. Assumptions stifle creativity. Assumptions perpetuate conflict. Assumptions create chronic barriers. Assumptions erode confidence.

Why do we hold assumptions? Most frequently it’s an attempt to create meaning and understanding. We all want context so that we can determine how to act, interact or react. The challenge is that our assumptions are usually based on past events. That limits us from being fully open to what is happening here and now.

Address Assumptions, Improve Communication, Enhance Connection

“Don’t make assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.” Don Miguel Ruiz

When working with clients, we ask them to tackle assumptions in the following ways.

1. If communication or connection is challenged in a relationship, scan your own thoughts. What assumptions are you holding about the other person or the situation? Notice what beliefs and reactions this triggers in you.
2. Out yourself – share the assumptions you are holding. “I notice that I’m assuming that you are resistant to change and likely won’t be open to my ideas. For that reason I’m not participating.”
3. Seek to clarify – ask the person how they are feeling and thinking in order to clarify your understanding. “Tell me how you are actually feeling about this change initiative?” or “What’s the best way for me to share new ideas with you?”
4. Invite others to probe the assumptions that you are holding. “What do you need to know from me?” If you are going to ask, be willing to be open in sharing your thoughts and feelings too.
5. Confirm your new understanding, make new agreements and state your intention for going forward together.

The Result: more open, honest and direct communication that is based on current reality instead of old stories. These conversations can shift the relationship dynamic and open new understanding. Once this new level of alignment and understanding is achieved, the path forward can be more productive and creative.

Our vulnerability is the source of our greatest power. It’s also the access point for your life purpose. Bold statements I know. In fact, I know many will not agree. And that’s fine. I’ll offer a perspective from the greatest teacher — life. If nothing else, I hope that it might provoke new thoughts and new awareness.

Vulnerability is being exposed. Vulnerability is not knowing. Vulnerability is scary. Most people do anything to mask vulnerability. Sometimes though, life creates circumstances beyond our control. No matter what, you simply cannot pretend that everything is “OK”.

Vulnerability became my teacher with the birth of our first son Ryan. He was born September 2, 1990 at 29 weeks. He had Down syndrome, born with a major heart defect and many other physical challenges. There was little I could do for him except hold his tiny hand or stroke his head to soothe him. I only held him a few times. He died October 9, 1990 after a five week valiant attempt to live. These five weeks still play like a slow motion movie in my mind. This was my introduction to being a Mom.

Now 20 years later, I see Ryan as my mentor, my teacher and my guide. His life had extraordinary purpose. He came to teach me things that I could only access through extreme vulnerability. He woke me up to living and leading with more purpose. Ryan taught me the following:

1. What it’s like to not be in control. By releasing control new awareness is revealed.
2. How to BE – to sit in quiet reflection. How to just be with – myself or others.
3. Trust. It’s THE essential ingredient in relationships. It’s courageous.
4. Asking for help is an essential skill. No one has to have all the answers.
5. To embrace change. Each new direction brings learning and growth.
6. Be open to influences beyond what you know.
7. How to find my authentic voice. To honour what I believe and value; to share openly and honestly.
8. To make courageous choices. Life is too short not to.
9. Avoidance solves nothing. Lean into the difficult conversations or decisions if you want to move forward.
10. Intuition is a powerful guide. Trust it. Develop it. Let it inform direction and decisions

The most courageous thing I did with Ryan was accept that he was going to die. With that acceptance, we created conditions where it could happen on our terms. All I ever wanted was to hold him in my arms, with no monitors, and sit in a rocking chair in a peaceful quiet room. So that’s what we did. He died peacefully in my arms, taking one final breath that was like a whispered sigh. In that moment, he taught me that endings can be peaceful and gentle – even the hardest endings.

So, how does vulnerability = power? Because of Ryan and his constant presence in my life, I have become more mindful and aware. I’ve made choices that have enabled me to access my strengths, fully live my values, and use my passions to guide my life and work. Every lesson that Ryan has taught me I integrate into leadership development and coaching. It seems these are some universal lessons that people want to explore.

Choosing to access vulnerability opens the door to authenticity. Facing that which is hard causes us to discover what we really believe. Seeing our ability to survive devastation and continue on is remarkable. Realizing that we don’t have to walk alone is empowering. Discovering the ease that comes with letting go of control actually spurs creativity. Asserting choices builds confidence.

Life teaches us that as human beings we are vulnerable. However, we are also resilient and can learn and grow. Each challenge presents an opportunity to access our innate power and inner resolve.

Ryan’s legacy — our vulnerability is the source of our greatest power. It is an honour to integrate his legacy into the work I do every day.

Here’s to finding power and purpose through the journey of life and leadership. It’s there to discover if you are willing to explore.

GET REAL — In life. In leadership. In relationships. What does GET REAL mean to you?

For every person reading this GET REAL means something vastly different. That’s the beauty of our humanity. That’s why it’s also important to not make assumptions, on this or any other topic.

GET REAL came to me as a button. Over the years, I’ve often worn provoking button messages on my jacket lapel. Sort of like a personal challenge from me to the world. I found this button at a furniture store (very eclectic and funky). The minute I saw it I pinned it on with anticipation. I knew it would be a great conversation starter.

For me GET REAL is an invitation for authenticity. It’s simple. It’s raw. It’s direct. It’s courageous. It’s grounded. It’s confident.

I believe we are most powerful when we are connected to our vulnerabilities as much as when we are in our strengths. Real is being truthful and honest. Real knows personal boundaries and limits. Real is being able to say YES and NO rooted in what is important for ourselves. Real is the ability to name our fears. Real is quiet, calm and steady. Real is walking our talk…consistently.

Real is a great place to live and lead from. And truth be told, being authentically real is a huge edge for so many people. Especially if the inner desire for realness contradicts messages from those we love or who have shaped us. To stand in our own desire and authenticity takes courage and lots of reflective work. When people access their authenticity, they find a new source of vibrancy and belief from which to live and lead.

So don’t delay. Where will you GET REAL in your life and leadership? What’s waiting to happen that requires a good dose of REAL?

On a final note, if you could provoke people to thought and action, what would you inspire through your button statement? Share your ideas through the comments.

A dominant complaint in team dynamics is silo thinking. Leaders want their teams to work collaboratively and call us in to “Bust Silo’s”. However, busting silo’s can feel harsh and aggressive. The desire to break down silos is usually to inspire more collaboration, efficiency, sharing of strengths and talent while achieving the global goals and mission of the organization.

It’s human nature to defend what we care about. If there is any threat to our primary identity, we fight to protect it. So, if a team development session is billed as a “Busting Silo’s” event you can gaurantee that people will show up prepared to defend their territory.

So what is a different way of achieving collaboration other than Busting Silo’s? In our work we refer to it as Building Bridges. First, we need to understand what is important and valued in each role, team or department. What do they take pride in doing? What do they contribute towards the organization’s mission? What do they value?

To create alignment and ease our way into a shared perspective, we need to first build bridges and visit the different perspectives. A willingness to be open to influence is key. A positive intention to be curious and explore is required. An ability to search for common interests is essential. A commitment to listening and appreciation set the tone. Once the bridges are built it’s much easier to navigate the diversity that lives in our organizations and teams, yet find some shared ground from which you can access the bigger picture and shared mission. These are the conditions that support powerful collaborations within teams, across departments and amongst divisions.

In North America, we live in a culture that promotes independence and self confidence. These attributes above all else, are seen as indicators of success. In promoting this, we are marginalizing the voice of “I don’t know”. Instead, people are praised for putting on a brave face that they’ve got everything together…they know the answers. And if they don’t, they will figure it out.

What I am describing above is becoming one of the hot topics for the clients that we coach. These leaders are often feeling they must carry the burden of solutions on their shoulders alone. They believe it is not safe to reveal what they don’t know, nor is it safe to ask for help…or so they think.

Dr. Deborah Sherani identified the following myths related to asking for help.

MYTH: It makes us look vulnerable
MYTH: Holding things in and keeping personal issues under wraps keeps us secure
MYTH: It bothers others
MYTH: Highly successful people never ask for help
MYTH: I am a giver. I don’t like it when others help me

It’s time for a major reframe on how we perceive asking for help. Instead of it being something that minimizes our power, we need to cultivate it as a skill that promotes great teaming, enhanced creativity, and advances productivity. Imagine how liberating it would feel to shake off the shackles of fear by asking for help!

Truth be told, this is one of the most important leadership lessons that I had to learn. That’s why I’m so passionate about developing this skill in our clients. For me, asking for help has become so liberating. I’ve discovered that by asking for help I have become more “real” and more approachable. This has enhanced my friendships, work collaborations, and my marriage. Having crossed the edge myself, I encourage you to try it…just a little bit and see what you discover.

At Horizon Leadership Institute, we are huge advocates of a strengths based approach to leadership. Using StrengthFinder 2.0, an assessment pioneered by the Gallup organization, we help our clients identify their top strengths. The concept is simple – maximize your strengths and learn how to manage your weaknesses. Learning to manage weaknesses is based on appreciating the strengths in others and partnering with them to create powerful outcomes. When everyone works from their strengths, a sense of confidence is built. Through intentional collaborations with people with complementary strengths mutual support and trust is created. This is a powerful stance where asking for help means you are appreciating the strength of yourself and others. Everyone gets to be in their power.

We still need to work with the limiting personal and cultural beliefs that influence our perceptions about asking for help. This can be done at an individual as well as team level. For tips on reframing asking for help, check out Dr. Deborah Serani’s blog –http://drdeborahserani.blogspot.com/2008/08/how-to-ask-for-help.html

Share your fears of asking for help or stories when it’s been a wildly positive experience. We encourage a diversity of voices as everyone holds a part of the truth.

In our work, we coach individual leaders and teams. Regardless of what the focus of the coaching, all roads eventually lead to trust. And so, this has become a signature of the work we do with our clients.

Definition: “…trust is a pragmatic, tangible, actionable asset that you can create much faster than you probably think possible. Simply put, trust means confidence…When you trust people you have confidence in them – in their integrity and in their abilities.” Bottom-line – trust is an asset that can be developed when we are intentional about it.

When we work with individual leaders, we focus on their leadership impact. We help them become more aware of their strengths, work with their limiting beliefs, identify ways to manage their weaknesses, and connect them with their values and passions. All of this builds confidence and strong self esteem – essential qualities for leaders. In the process, they build trust in themselves. That is the first level of trust. Without trust of self, it’s impossible to create trust in relationships. Leaders can only inspire trust within their teams, their organization, their customers/clients and the marketplace if they trust themselves.

With teams, it’s clear that high performance is directly connected to trust. Stephen M.R. Covey, in his book The Speed of Trust has identified 13 behaviours of relationship trust. The behaviours are character and competency based – how we “be” and what we “do”. To create trust in relationships, we must demonstrate the 13 behaviours CONSISTENTLY.

When trust exists in teams, organizations thrive. The simple economic equation is that when trust is high, speed is high and cost is low. So if trust is good for the bottom-line how do we create it in teams?

Here’s what we’ve learned about working with trust and teams:

1. Trust work is slow work. You need to set the right tone for the conversation about trust. Each individual has their own perspective on trust. The diversity of experiences and beliefs related to trust must be considered. Start the conversation with storytelling. Until each person can talk about trust from their perspective, you can’t do the work at a team level.
2. Identify the primary culture of trust Some teams value productivity and getting things done; they tilt to more focus on competency based behaviours that create trust. Other teams will be more relationships oriented, and focus more on character trust behaviours. In systems coaching we call this “revealing the system” to itself. We must honour the primary strength of the team so they see they have assets to draw on as the build trust together.
3. Identify situations and conditions that create trust. Engage the team in dialogue that reveal when they trust…and when they don’t. Get them connected to what it’s like for the team when trust is alive and strong. Similarly, talk about the impact of low trust and the experience of teaming. This process will help the team embrace why it’s important to proactively work together to build their competency in the behaviours that create trust.
4. Trust talk triggers. Be aware that working with trust can and will trigger individuals and the team. Trust is such a core human desire that it is directly linked to vulnerability. It is imperative to create safety and support so that people can talk without repercussions. Given this, you might be tentative about opening this conversation with your team. However, not talking about it presents a greater risk…issues of low trust that bubble under the surface of the team’s relationship. When people get triggered they use unhealthy and unproductive behaviours that create overt or covert conflict. This is what erodes trust.
5. Design the Team Alliance. First, get agreement from the team that they want to work together to create more trust. Help them identify what agreements they will make to grow trust i.e. “we commit to having direct conversations with our colleagues if there is a problem” or issue or “when we agree to do something we will deliver on our promise”. Once the agreements are set, work with the team on skill training they will need to master the trust behaviours. Usually the biggest area for development is related to direct communication and constructive feedback.

Don’t assume that trust lives in your team. Work at it with intention and nurture conditions to keep it strong. This will ensure that you navigate times of challenge with ease and resilience. That’s the only way that teams will productively keep on creating positive results together.

Share your trust building tips. We love learning from others.

In order to hold the big picture and vision and stay grounded as a leader, it is vital to intentionally nurture yourself. Here are some tips we use when working with leaders.

1. Create a monthly or weekly practice for connecting with your vision and purpose. Book one day a month or a few hours a week (in a block of time) as a visioning session (I do a silent retreat once a month). For maximum success, schedule this regularly and don’t let anything interfere with it. This practice is great modelling for others too.
RESULT: You’ll be re-energized and renewed in your purpose and will gain clarity on the most important steps to keep moving towards your vision and goals.

2. Create a vision story for your life or business. Make it a five or 10 year horizon. Long enough to stretch you and short enough to feel achievable. Make it concrete with specific milestones. Take a planned time out and regularly chart your progress towards the vision. The key is to CELEBRATE accomplishments along the way, and adjust or change goals as things unfold. Write it, collage it, or create a metaphor of it. Whatever makes it feel real and compelling for you.

RESULT: Clarity of intention and something that you can measure progress towards.

3. Ask for help. Sometimes we don’t have the answers and get stuck in doubt and inaction. (Yes, leaders are human too!) Leadership can be lonely. Find a trusted mentor, colleague or coach and ask them to be a resource as you process both the joys and challenges of leadership.

RESULT: The relief of being able to openly process what you don’t know, explore possibilities, and move forward with confidence.

4. If stuck, change perspective: If you feel mired in confusion or overwhelmed your current situation literally change your position. Imagine climbing up a mountain, literally getting out of the valley of overwhelm. As you climb up, you are releasing yourself of the problems. Imagine standing at the top of the mountain. Put your arms out and turn around. Do a complete 360 degree scan. Keep your head up and look far out to the distance. Now, look down again to the valley that you came from. What’s different now? What does this new angle perspective reveal? What are some different paths you can follow? What’s it like being detached from the challenges and being an observer? Who else can contribute to creating solutions with you? From this perspective, state your intention and go to action with new clarity and energy.

RESULT: A process to help you get unstuck and access new perspectives that supports forward movement.

Because we love to learn, share your tips for leadership renewal and refocusing.

Before reading, please study the “horizon” picture in the top, right corner. What does this image evoke in you? How does it inspire you? Imagine it’s a metaphor for leadership – what’s the message for you?

If you are curious about the story of Horizon Leadership read on.

This is me watching a sunset at Port Franks on Lake Huron. My husband captured this image. It’s one of the best gifts he ever gave me. The business was already named Horizon Leadership, yet this image crystallized what a horizon leader means to me.

Leadership is the ability to see the big picture; to constantly scan the horizon and be aware of conditions around us. It’s also the ability see over the horizon; to anticipate what is coming. Leadership is about being visionary and strategic; seeking and creating clarity. It’s also about being proactive versus reactive.

We are blessed to work with many strategic leaders. And often times we have to remind them to look up and scan the horizon; to step out of the reality of the present and reconnect with the future vision of what they are creating. This requires intention and discipline…and oftentimes support from a trusted mentor or coach.

Leadership also requires us to be grounded and connected to the present. I love that in this image, I’m deeply connected to the physical environment and the magic of what was unfolding in front of me. It’s a metaphor for the deep reflection that is also a core component of leadership. It’s a reminder that leaders need to stop, pause, reflect and re-energize. And too often they don’t.

So, as a leader, how do you keep your eye on the horizon while also staying grounded and connected to the purpose and core of who you are and what you stand for?

See our next blog post “Tips for Horizon Leaders” – holding the big picture and staying connected and grounded in your role.