Half the challenge of communication is that it’s not clear what people want or need from a conversation. Part of communication clarity is being able to ask for what you need. How often have you experienced someone venting to you about a challenge? Don’t you find that your natural instinct is to jump in and try and fix their problem? That’s not always what they need. Sometimes it’s the simple act of listening is all that’s needed.

The more we work with leaders and their teams who are not aligned or who are experiencing communication breakdowns the more that we are teaching a fundamentality simple lesson. Ask people to define what they need from conversations with a peer, leader or colleague. Here are a few simple steps.

1. Clarify the topic.
2. Declare if it’s a venting conversation and that you just need to be listened to or if you need help processing ideas and creating a solution.
3. If it’s to vent or process thoughts underscore that you just need to release frustration or brainstorm so that you can move on or hear yourself think. This will make sure that the other person can effectively listen and offer support without feeling the need to fix.
4. If you need a fix (i.e. help processing ideas or creating solutions) design with the other person the best way to do that i.e. let’s brainstorm some ideas or help me unfold what you are hearing and point me to some options I’m not seeing.
5. Thank the person for processing with you. Your ability to say what you are taking away from the conversation helps reinforce the power of constructive and effective communication for both of you.
6. Take action so that you shift your awareness towards creating resolution or implementing new ideas. Remember talk with no action means no change.

Learning how to have mutually effective conversations especially related to hot topics or hard issues is a signature of respect and is foundational to healthy relationships. It’s so simple – be clear about what you need and ask for it. Don’t expect others to be mind readers!

Dedication

This post is dedicated to my husband Peter Hawke. He taught me about the importance of declaring what I need from him when we communicate. One day he said, “I’m a guy. If you come to me with a problem I’m going to fix it. However, I think that most of time you really just want me to listen. It helps if you tell me if it’s a fix it or listen conversation.” Such wisdom and it really does help when I declare what I need before starting. He’s always been a brilliant fixer and is an equally good listener.

I haven’t met a person yet who doesn’t love to receive acknowledgement, thanks or appreciation. So if that is true, why is it so difficult to do? How often do you quietly, internally think positive thoughts about a colleague, friend or family member and yet hesitate saying something My hunch is a lot.

We humans are masters of assumptions. We assume that those we value intuitively know that we think highly of them and appreciate their efforts. Because of the work that I do as a coach, I have come to realize that the art of appreciation is a huge skill to cultivate in leaders. And yet, it’s not just a leader’s job to do. We all need to and can develop this basic life skill. The result will be strong, respectful relationships. Appreciation goes a long way to create positivity in the face of challenge. It’s also the glue that holds relationships together. When people feel connected, they will be more likely to provide support, go the extra mile, be more flexible, and ultimately be more creative.

If all that is true, what will it take to start saying what we appreciate and value about each other instead of just thinking it? It’s just simple practice. If you think it tell someone. You’ll be delighted by the response.

Here’s a really simple process to help you along the way.

Notice your positive thought.

Get the attention of the person you want to appreciate. Tell them in person if you can. If not, via email or phone is good too. Do it in the moment…don’t wait for some day.

Say “I appreciate that (insert the specific behaviour or action)…It made me feel (insert your feeling/response)…”

Conclude by saying “I just wanted to thank you.”This is wildly basic and easy to do. And yet, people seem to have edges and barriers to doing this simple act. I suspect it’s because they don’t have a lot of practice giving positive feedback and acknowledgement. For some, it’s emotional or vulnerable to appreciate another person. Speaking from the heart can be edgy. If so, this simple art of appreciation is a low risk way of sharing feelings.

I believe that the world would be a better place if we all cultivated our ability to share our positive thoughts about people more openly. A kinder, gentler and more tolerant world would result. For the sake of that, I challenge you to appreciate 10 people in your life in the next 24 hours. Share your appreciations out loud and see what happens.

PS. For those on the receiving end of an acknowledgement, your only job is to say “Thank You”. Soak it in and cherish it. That’s proper manners when receiving any gift.

Assumptions damage relationships and communication. When coaching teams and facilitating formal and information partnerships, we see that assumptions are often underneath most conflict situations.

“A self-fulfilling prophecy is an assumption or prediction that, purely as a result of having been made, causes the expected or predicted event to occur and thus confirms its own ‘accuracy.’ Paul Watzlawick

The quietly held internal beliefs that we hold about people, situations and intentions block opportunities for connecting and learning from each other. Assumptions limit our ability to access new and different perspectives. Assumptions stifle creativity. Assumptions perpetuate conflict. Assumptions create chronic barriers. Assumptions erode confidence.

Why do we hold assumptions? Most frequently it’s an attempt to create meaning and understanding. We all want context so that we can determine how to act, interact or react. The challenge is that our assumptions are usually based on past events. That limits us from being fully open to what is happening here and now.

Address Assumptions, Improve Communication, Enhance Connection

“Don’t make assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.” Don Miguel Ruiz

When working with clients, we ask them to tackle assumptions in the following ways.

1. If communication or connection is challenged in a relationship, scan your own thoughts. What assumptions are you holding about the other person or the situation? Notice what beliefs and reactions this triggers in you.
2. Out yourself – share the assumptions you are holding. “I notice that I’m assuming that you are resistant to change and likely won’t be open to my ideas. For that reason I’m not participating.”
3. Seek to clarify – ask the person how they are feeling and thinking in order to clarify your understanding. “Tell me how you are actually feeling about this change initiative?” or “What’s the best way for me to share new ideas with you?”
4. Invite others to probe the assumptions that you are holding. “What do you need to know from me?” If you are going to ask, be willing to be open in sharing your thoughts and feelings too.
5. Confirm your new understanding, make new agreements and state your intention for going forward together.

The Result: more open, honest and direct communication that is based on current reality instead of old stories. These conversations can shift the relationship dynamic and open new understanding. Once this new level of alignment and understanding is achieved, the path forward can be more productive and creative.