Twenty one years ago to this day I became a Mom for the first time. Our son Ryan Frood Hawke was born prematurely at 29 weeks. He has forever changed my life. Today he is my greatest mentor and guide. His life of five weeks was short and yet powerful in many ways. His life and death caused a major shift in my life that woke me up to my calling and the work I do today. I am abundantly thankful for the imprint that Ryan has left on me. I try daily to live the lessons I learned from him.

Twenty one in person years represents a new stage of maturity. It’s a transition time to independence; to a new level of maturity and freedom. That’s what I’m reflecting on today – the new stage of maturity that I am standing in as a mother.

Ryan brought me into motherhood. Since then Shannon and Jason have nurtured me and taught me through the journey as we have grown up together. I’ve learned that parenting is an elegant dance of sharing and loving, giving and taking, certainty and uncertainty, simplicity and complexity. Parenting is a deep, binding connection. It is a role of limitless possibilities and infinite creativity. It requires a commitment to continuous learning, discovery and flexibility.

As a 21-year old Mom, I know that Ryan’s legacy is about living whole-heartedly. Ryan’s purpose was to help me open up to the magic and mysteries of loving with no boundaries and being vulnerable. Through that I have been willing and able to more openly share my heart.

Thankfully I learned early that it’s not my role as Mom to control the journey but rather to be with as each of my children has taken their first breath and with Ryan his last. Each new step, new school year, new passion and strength discovered, each new stage of independence achieved – all I have really needed to do was to just be present.

So turning 21 as a Mom brings me to a state of ease. I now realize that I know enough for this important role. Ryan, Shannon and Jason each have abundant wisdom about what their path is and I just get to be a partner with them in their own discovery and experience. I’ve learned to trust my instincts and to respect theirs. I’ve learned to be patient and to be open to discoveries. Humbly I’ve had to learn that I do not have all the answers and despite my intention to be loving and caring can be annoying sometimes.

On the day that Peter and I got married, these words from 1st Corinthians 13 were read. Today they have special meaning as I also reflect on the deep love I have come to know as a mother.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

I occupy many roles in life. However, the role of Mom is definitively and deliciously the one I hold most dear. Thank you Ryan for anointing me as your mother 21 years ago today. Thank you Shannon for helping me be courageous enough to love wholeheartedly again. Thank you Jason for showing me the fun, joy and ease of mothering. Endless thanks to Peter, my husband, who has been my partner in parenting these last 21 years. Without him, I would have been lost along the way. We make amazing kids together.

I won’t say I’m all grown up but I am certainly feeling a new sense of maturity as a Mom today. Here’s to the continuing journey.

In life and leadership it’s essential to be clear on your values and beliefs as well as your own life vision and goals. Without that clarity, your life will be a series of reactions to the needs, wants, ideas and goals of others.

“If you do not know what your values and priorities are, someone else will determine them for you.”
Judy Suiter, CEO of Competitive Edge Inc.

Clarity of vision and values provide a powerful force to living a life of intention and fulfillment. Success is easier to achieve when you can move towards your preferred life and future with focus. It’s easier to know what to say YES to.

However, another important advantage of clarity and yet rarely talked about is the ability to get really strategic about when to say NO. I’ve witnessed so many people committed to being successful and growing their careers. Same with teams and organizations, they want to provide the best service to their customers and clientele. Yet their desire to please others can cause them to lose focus and not stay in alignment with what is important to them personally or as an organization.

The art of Strategic No’s involves the following:

1. Have a clear mission, purpose and plan. Know what you are moving towards.
2. When new opportunities are presented, take a pause and reflect. What is the impact of saying YES or NO? Consider everything within the context of your vision, goals, values and beliefs. You have the right and responsibility to consider your own needs.
3. Consider your options so there are no regrets 10 months or 10 years from now.
4. Do a gut check – listen to your intuition.
5. When saying NO, be confident and clear so there are no assumptions. You are the manager of your own message and brand so clarity is key.
6. Appreciate the offer and opportunity and indicate that you are still open to the relationship and other opportunities.

Sometimes saying NO is essential so you are not distracted by your true calling. Sometimes NO is the courageous thing to do to make sure that you live your life by design versus trying to please others. Sometimes saying NO helps others understand where you stand and even better opportunities, collaborations or ideas emerge.

Just yesterday I was working with a client. He was reflecting on the fact that he had just said no to an international posting because it wasn’t in alignment with his family’s desire to stay close to family. When saying NO he stated why with confidence and clarity. Guess what? His employer came back with a different offer. They are crafting the role a different way so he can be part of that team. The NO that he thought might have been a career limiting move has become the exact next stage role he’d been hoping for.

Strategic No’s require courage and practice. If this is a skill and discipline you’d like to develop, let me know.

“Passion is an emotion applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion, compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for something. The term is also often applied to a lively or eager interest in or admiration for a proposal, cause, or activity or love. Passion can be expressed as a feeling of unusual excitement, enthusiasm or compelling emotion towards a subject, idea, person, or object. A person is said to have a passion for something when he has a strong positive affinity for it. A love for something and a passion for something are often used synonymously.” Wikipedia

Today I was working with a client and we started talking about passions. As someone who loves clarity and structure, he wanted some way to be able to determine what he is passionate about. It was a great opportunity to identify indicators of when a passion is present. Together, we came up with this check list that helps identify when something is a passion. He’s using it for the sake of increasing his understanding and awareness of passions. I hope you can play with it for your own discovery too.

Indicators of when something is a passion:

• It’s easy and enjoyable
• It is energizing; you can keep doing it for a long time
• It feels right and authentic
• It creates a sense of confidence
• It creates pride and a deep sense of commitment
• It connects you to your spirit and creativity
• You talk about it with enthusiasm
• It’s epic; feels big and meaningful
• It creates a positive mood, tone and environment
• It creates a sense of connection – with self and others

Use this as a check list and scan your day, your week or month. Think of what you’ve done and consider the activities, situations and people where you felt the above indicators. Hopefully this will bring some awareness of what you are passionate about. Once you know your passions, invest time and energy in amplifying them and integrating them into everything you do.

Our vulnerability is the source of our greatest power. It’s also the access point for your life purpose. Bold statements I know. In fact, I know many will not agree. And that’s fine. I’ll offer a perspective from the greatest teacher — life. If nothing else, I hope that it might provoke new thoughts and new awareness.

Vulnerability is being exposed. Vulnerability is not knowing. Vulnerability is scary. Most people do anything to mask vulnerability. Sometimes though, life creates circumstances beyond our control. No matter what, you simply cannot pretend that everything is “OK”.

Vulnerability became my teacher with the birth of our first son Ryan. He was born September 2, 1990 at 29 weeks. He had Down syndrome, born with a major heart defect and many other physical challenges. There was little I could do for him except hold his tiny hand or stroke his head to soothe him. I only held him a few times. He died October 9, 1990 after a five week valiant attempt to live. These five weeks still play like a slow motion movie in my mind. This was my introduction to being a Mom.

Now 20 years later, I see Ryan as my mentor, my teacher and my guide. His life had extraordinary purpose. He came to teach me things that I could only access through extreme vulnerability. He woke me up to living and leading with more purpose. Ryan taught me the following:

1. What it’s like to not be in control. By releasing control new awareness is revealed.
2. How to BE – to sit in quiet reflection. How to just be with – myself or others.
3. Trust. It’s THE essential ingredient in relationships. It’s courageous.
4. Asking for help is an essential skill. No one has to have all the answers.
5. To embrace change. Each new direction brings learning and growth.
6. Be open to influences beyond what you know.
7. How to find my authentic voice. To honour what I believe and value; to share openly and honestly.
8. To make courageous choices. Life is too short not to.
9. Avoidance solves nothing. Lean into the difficult conversations or decisions if you want to move forward.
10. Intuition is a powerful guide. Trust it. Develop it. Let it inform direction and decisions

The most courageous thing I did with Ryan was accept that he was going to die. With that acceptance, we created conditions where it could happen on our terms. All I ever wanted was to hold him in my arms, with no monitors, and sit in a rocking chair in a peaceful quiet room. So that’s what we did. He died peacefully in my arms, taking one final breath that was like a whispered sigh. In that moment, he taught me that endings can be peaceful and gentle – even the hardest endings.

So, how does vulnerability = power? Because of Ryan and his constant presence in my life, I have become more mindful and aware. I’ve made choices that have enabled me to access my strengths, fully live my values, and use my passions to guide my life and work. Every lesson that Ryan has taught me I integrate into leadership development and coaching. It seems these are some universal lessons that people want to explore.

Choosing to access vulnerability opens the door to authenticity. Facing that which is hard causes us to discover what we really believe. Seeing our ability to survive devastation and continue on is remarkable. Realizing that we don’t have to walk alone is empowering. Discovering the ease that comes with letting go of control actually spurs creativity. Asserting choices builds confidence.

Life teaches us that as human beings we are vulnerable. However, we are also resilient and can learn and grow. Each challenge presents an opportunity to access our innate power and inner resolve.

Ryan’s legacy — our vulnerability is the source of our greatest power. It is an honour to integrate his legacy into the work I do every day.

Here’s to finding power and purpose through the journey of life and leadership. It’s there to discover if you are willing to explore.

GET REAL — In life. In leadership. In relationships. What does GET REAL mean to you?

For every person reading this GET REAL means something vastly different. That’s the beauty of our humanity. That’s why it’s also important to not make assumptions, on this or any other topic.

GET REAL came to me as a button. Over the years, I’ve often worn provoking button messages on my jacket lapel. Sort of like a personal challenge from me to the world. I found this button at a furniture store (very eclectic and funky). The minute I saw it I pinned it on with anticipation. I knew it would be a great conversation starter.

For me GET REAL is an invitation for authenticity. It’s simple. It’s raw. It’s direct. It’s courageous. It’s grounded. It’s confident.

I believe we are most powerful when we are connected to our vulnerabilities as much as when we are in our strengths. Real is being truthful and honest. Real knows personal boundaries and limits. Real is being able to say YES and NO rooted in what is important for ourselves. Real is the ability to name our fears. Real is quiet, calm and steady. Real is walking our talk…consistently.

Real is a great place to live and lead from. And truth be told, being authentically real is a huge edge for so many people. Especially if the inner desire for realness contradicts messages from those we love or who have shaped us. To stand in our own desire and authenticity takes courage and lots of reflective work. When people access their authenticity, they find a new source of vibrancy and belief from which to live and lead.

So don’t delay. Where will you GET REAL in your life and leadership? What’s waiting to happen that requires a good dose of REAL?

On a final note, if you could provoke people to thought and action, what would you inspire through your button statement? Share your ideas through the comments.